Tuesday, January 16, 2007

When CrackBaby Denise Met Jewel

My apologies for the lateness of my "live" blog, I was verybusy attempting to have a social life.

Anyhow, here we go...

judge jru's "live" blog of the first episode of the Idol

8:00 pm - Do we really need to see Taylor win the Idol again? In Slow Motion?

8:01 pm - As a part of the "Idols are successful...really!" montage, did we really need to see Clay go from adorable geek to non-chic lamewad? Is that truly considered a success?

8:01.5 pm - I did enjoy the Clarkson and J-Hud bits, but that shouldn't surprise anyone.

8:03 pm - I don't really care for the parade of bad people...but that orgasmic cowgirl seems kinda awesome.

8:04 pm - Opening Credit Sequence is still majorly lame.

8:04.5 pm - And look! There's Prince!

8:05 pm - Why is Nashville Star host Jewel acting as a guest judge? Shouldn't she be busy hangin' with Cowboy Troy or something?

8:06 pm - Meet the very first Idol 6 contestant, Jessica Rhodie. She gives girls makeovers at the Mall of America in Minnesota. And she cries before she gets to meet her "idol," Jewel. This isn't going to end well.

8:08 pm - Jewel shouldn't be smirking during Jessica's performance of "You Were Meant For Me." After all, she wrote the lyrics about a smiley face made of maple syrup.

Glass houses, Jewel.

Glass houses.

8:09 pm - Jewel's quote of the night -- "I don't want to talk right now."

8:10 pm - Jewel is kind of a total bitch for not getting up and at least hugging mega-fan Jessica. Don't hate on those "less talented"folks, Jewel. You should appreciate the few people that still think you're cool...even if they work in the "Mall of America."

8:11 pm - I don't ever want to meet the urban Amish. The regular Amish make very good Whoopie Pies filled with love and lard. I doubt the Urban Amish can do that.

8:14 pm - Didn't this Eddie Murphy as a fat woman movie come out already?

8:15 pm - And why is Margaret Cho slumming it on that "Til' Death" show? Do they really think my love for Cho is going to translate into love for Brad Garrett?

8:16 pm - One last question...does anyone care what Ryan Seacrest says about anything? Like ever?

8:17 pm - That urban Amish guy, Troy, bugs me. I think he might be faux-Amish. Like Madonna is a faux-Brit...or Demi is a faux-Jew.

8:20 pm - Jesse Holloway (the water break guy) isn't worth mentioning. Except that I just did. D'oh!

8:23 pm - Gurl! That Simon has got some major sand in his va-jay-jay. Perhaps he should look into using some Summer's Eve in his "business." I recommend the Intimate Whisper Fragrance. I hear it leaves you feeling very fresh.

8:24 pm - OK. Who ruined my "Bridge to Terabithia"? Can someone please tell me who is responsible for this? I want to know which office to barge into at Disney! And then, I need to know exactly which exec I should slap!

8:31 pm - Meet Denise Jackson. She is 16 year old. And she was a "crack baby." Why do we know this?

Because she tells us so.

8:32 pm - Ooooh Girl! I love the CrackBaby Denise! She might be young. She might have been a crack baby! But she can SANG!

8:33 pm - OK. This is why I love the Idol. The first contestant of the Idol 6 that we see successfully making past the judges to the Hollywood round is...a former crack baby. If this show doesn't represent the "American Dream," I don't know what does.

8:36 pm - Oh look! It's Asian people...acting crazy!

It must be a Wii commercial!!!!


Right now.

8:39 pm - More CrackBaby Denise! Still lovin' her!

8:40 pm - What's wrong with Paula? Why is she acting like a deaf-mute? Has she really said anything other than "yes" yet? Is it possible that guest judge Jewel has said more???

8:44 pm - Sister Ru (the "responsible" Ru) is worried about homeless Colombian girl's (Perla Meneses) immigration status, because she wouldn't be my sister if she didn't.

8:45 pm - Sister Ru shouldn't have worried.

8:46 pm - Oh wait. Thanks to a mid-audition song change, the poor man's Shakira (the homeless Colombian) made it through after all. Sister Ru better go to work and do something about this problem.

8:53 pm - Paula speaks!

8:54 pm - Cowboy with "Pizazz" Matthew Volna makes me "special areas" hurt.

8:55 pm - Ryan breaks my Homo-Meter when he declares that "it's time to send in the Navy."

8:56 pm - "Regan Idol." Really???

8:58 pm - Randy's line of the night -- "I agree with Jewel."

9:03 pm - Uh oh. My friend Keith warned me about the Wizard of Oz girl. At first I thought he was referring to me (I had a yellow brick road up around my room when I was little), but now I know...he was referring to Trista Giese, who auditions for the Idol by doing the worst Bert Lahr impersonation ever. If I was still a member of the International Wizard of Oz club, I would totally kick Trista out for that disaster.

9:09 pm - I'm bored with this Randy/Vocal Coach fight. It feels like it's a poor man's version of a fight Simon had with someone three seasons ago. And it's five minutes long!

9:14 pm - I knew that 19 year old blondie Michelle Steingas was going to make it to Hollywood as soon as she walked into the door. Her audition was fine too.

9:16 pm - This Boss flying his secretary out storyline also bores me. And it's going on for way too long. Like five minutes on one bad non-funny audition? Really?

9:22 pm - Matt Sato may have very thin eyebrows, but he seems like a very nice young man...so I'm going to give him a chance.

9:28 pm - Rachel Jenkins, Army Reservist/Army Wife, seems nice too.

9:32 pm - Curly haired Katharine McPhee (aka: Sarah Krueger) is clearly the front runner of Minnesota, eh?

Except for CrackBaby Denise. Of course.

9:39 pm - I'm done with prop comedy and prop costumes on the Idol. They were never funny. They will never be funny. Just leave them at home. Make the editors and post-producers over at the Idol really "work" for their paychecks!

9:41 pm - Uh...

This hurts.

This is awkward.

I really don't like to see 16 year old male jugglers cry on national television.

9:46 pm - Brenna Kyner (the Idol "superfan") is the reason why I like to remain relatively anonymous on this Idol blog. I am a fan of the Idol, but I am not like Brenna. I promise. I definitely wear less makeup. And own fewer pieces of chunky black jewelry.

9:53 pm - No more faux-rockers please.

9:54 pm - Except I do enjoy the faux-rockers when Simon makes them run around trying to find out the words to "Dancing Queen." Now that's comedy.

9:57 pm - Paula speaks again! Barely. But she speaks!

9:58 pm - Only 17 from Minneapolis go to Hollywood. And I have a sneaking suspicion that there isn't a Clarkson or even a RJ Helton in the bunch.

9:59 pm - Seattle doesn't look much better either.

10:00 pm - Well, the first episode of the Idol 6 is over. And I'm vastly underwhelmed. Is it possible that the Idol has mined all of the undiscovered talent in America and now all that's left is one spectacular crack baby and a bunch of mushy unsatisfying leftovers?


Blogger sdk said...

Not sure if you're aware, but Yahoo's The 9 featured you today.

Loved your review...and seriously...what the hell was wrong with Paula? I mean, we usually kid that she's drunk, but I think she really WAS drunk...or something...

9:04 AM  
Blogger judge jru said...

I didn't know that! Thanks for the tip! That's wicked awesome!

9:10 AM  
Anonymous Cheryl :) said...

I got here from the 9 too...
I thought alot of those long drawn out stories on IDOL were for what???!! What exactly was Paula on anyway??
Jewel was a bit of an ice princess.Aren't you and idol BFF too?? ROFLMAO!! Glad I found you, am looking forward to your commentary!

9:25 AM  
Anonymous dhjetta said...

Well, I too found your blog from the 9 and have to admit I was screaming with laughter...even called a couple of Idol watchers I know of and sent them here. YOu have incredible talent for capturing nice toasty dry humor...and I LOVE it. I could not wait to see what you wrote next. Thanks for sharing your gift of humor!

3:32 PM  

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