Wednesday, January 31, 2007

There's No Place Like Home

Tonight's excuse for the non-live "live" blog: I was eating beef stew. Yes. That's my excuse.

Anyhow, let's get on with it...


judge jru's "live" blog of the sixth episode of the Idol 6

9:00 pm - We're in Los Angeles tonight. Which makes me happy.

9:01 pm - Wooo Katharine McPhee flashback.

It almost washed out the memory of Katharine's debut performance on "The Tonight Show."

Almost.

9:02 pm - Did Ryan really just quote "The Wizard of Oz?" I don't need to make a joke here. Right?

9:03 pm - Olivia Newton-John is the guest judge tonight.

Seriously dude, shouldn't she be on that other "talent" show?

9:04 pm - "The Panther" (aka: Martik Manoukian) scares me.

Contrary to what he says, he is not the most exciting entertainer on planet earth.

9:05 pm - And I really didn't need to see him with his shirt off.

9:07 pm - Mister Romance (aka: Sholandric Stallworth) better not be the guy that the sister ru told me would be my new boyfriend.

Because if he is "it"...I'm gonna switch to va-jay-jay.

9:13 pm - Marianna came out of the womb. Wailing.

Apparently, she is still wailing. And not in a good way.

9:14 pm - Whaddup with Olivia? Her "bad" face got frozen instead of her good one. She needs to fire her botox-ologist.

9:17 pm - "This is my final chance" girl (aka: Alaina Alexander) seemed to have potential...



...until she said that "Feelin' Good" was by Michael Buble.

No Alaina.

It isn't.

9:24 pm - Didn't we already see this Phuong Pham girl before?

9:25 pm - Oh, I remember now. We saw the "Simon calls her Pong" bit during the whole "judges don't know how to pronounce ethnic names" montage.

The Idol producers are recycling bits this early on?

I have to confess...I'm starting to get a little concerned with how this season is turning out so far.

Maybe things will change once we get to the "Hollywood Round."

9:28 pm - OK. I take back everything I just said. Forget it all. Forget about Jenry. Because I have a new boyfriend.



And his name is Brandon Rogers.

Seriously.

I think I love him.



This must be the guy that sister ru warned me about it.

And as usual, she was right.



Hands off America! Brandon is mine!

9:36 pm - This moment marks grand return of Brain Miller.

Who?

Some semi-cute forgettable 19 year-old that got kicked out in the middle of Hollywood week during the Idol 5.



Hmmmm...I wonder if that will happen again?

All signs point to...YES.

9:38 pm - The older gentleman with the sick lady friend and the petition (aka: Sherman Pore) actually made me tear up.

Just like Paula.

And I don't feel bad.

Not one bit.

9:46 pm - The bus stop couple (aka: Darold and Cavett) makes me believe in love again.

There is someone for everyone!

Including me!

And his name is Brandon Rogers.

9:55 pm - I'm so bored by this Eric Mueller bit.

He ain't funny.

He ain't cute.

He ain't anything.

Boring!

9:57 pm - OK. The Paula/Randy DVD bit at the end was kinda funny.

But I'm pretty sure they did that bit before too.

9:59 pm - Only one more audition episode! Thank G-d. Thank Allah. Thank Yahweh.

10:00 pm - And we're done.

Off to stalk Brandon Rogers!

See ya!

He Auditioned (More Than) Twice!

While it's still up, check out Chris Sligh's "Musings on American Idol."



Chris is pretty articulate as he takes us through the journey that is the Idol audition process.

It turns out that Birmingham wasn't his first audition.

Chris auditioned in Memphis, but Nigel didn't put him through to meet the "judges."

Further down on the blog, Mister Sligh informs his readers that this is actually his third year auditioning for the Idol.

Slightly interesting, eh?



The thing that really won me over is that Chris wants his fan club to be called "Fro Patro."



Also of note...Chris' main blog, where he lists his 100 favorite songs of all time.

It's a mixed bag of both good and bad shit.



Here's the thing...the main problem with Chris is...



...he enjoys the Counting Crows...a little too much.


See also -- the MySpace pages for Chris' bands -- "Half Past Forever" and "The Exciting Mr. Brown" -- AND -- Chris' short novel in blog form -- AND -- Chris' "essay" blog


(initial link via
Idolator)

Tuesday, January 30, 2007

It's late. I'm tired. And bored.

Tonight's excuse for the non-live "live" blog: I was hangin' with the homos.

Anyhow, let's get on with it...


judge jru's "live" blog of the fifth episode of the Idol 6

8:00 pm - Birmingham, Alabama. Really?

8:01 pm - The Mayor of Birmingham, Alabama. Boring!

8:02 pm - Birmingham, Alabama. Is it time for Hollywood, yet?

8:03 pm - Blondie Erica Skye sings "Unchained Melody." By LeAnn Rimes. Really?

Are you sure about that honey?

Nothing bugs me more than ignorant pretty girls.

Blech.

8:06 pm - Baby voiced Katie Bernard makes me very uncomfortable.



Grown women with baby speaking voices (and strong singing voices) make me think that they used to live in bad places.

8:13 pm - Teeny Tiny Tatiana McConnico is very enjoyable.



She is wicked adorable, talented, and her sister (or friend) looks just like Danielle from "America's Next Top Model."

8:16 pm - Diana Walker. The one that wears only one pink glove.

She reminds me of one of these:




Is that wrong? It feels wrong.

8:21 pm - Bernard Williams II seems nice. Forgettable, but nice.

8:23 pm - What's going on with that yellow fluffy thing?



The last time I checked...Big Bird wasn't a sassy black fifty year old woman.

8:26 pm - Mandy Moore alert! Mandy Moore!

Why do I love her so?

I fear there may be something wrong with me.

8:29 pm - ZZzzzzzzzzzzzzZzzzzzzzzz. Is it time for bed yet?

8:30 pm - The blonde with the paralyzed dad (who shot himself) has way too many holes in her jeans. In all the wrong places.

8:31 pm - The blonde with the paralyzed dad (Jamie Lynn Ward) is the new Kellie Pickler. Only less talented. And not quite as adorable.

8:34 pm - Curly haired, Jack Osbourne-a-like Chris Sligh is funny. And he kinda reminds me of Meat Loaf. In a good way.



He's also dry. Like wine. In a good way.

8:40 pm - Paula is missing...because of "family" obligation.

Un-huh.

8:41 pm - It's a bird! It's a plane! It's Crystal Gayle!



Only not.

8:50 pm - I have so little to say about this episode...that it hurts me. It hurts me in my "special areas."

8:51 pm - Pageant girl Nichole Gatzman (of "Team Nichole" fame) didn't seem that bad. I would have let her go on to face disappointment in Hollywood...but I guess that's just me.

8:52 pm - Meet Brandy Patterson. She talks through her teeth.

I was done with her...before she even started.

8:59 pm - And we're done. Thank G-d.

9:00 pm - Seeya tomorrow in LA!

Is Courtney Love the NEW Paula?

According to US Magazine, there are rumors and allegations that she could be.



CLICK HERE to read the full story.


You know what? I'd be fine with that.



It'd have to make things more interesting, right?

The only problem is...



...it's never going to happen.

The "family oriented" sponsors of the Idol wouldn't touch Courtney with a ten foot pole.

Even if said pole was wrapped in latex.


(Story via ONTD)

My Idol Song

The good people over at EW's PopWatch blog posted today about what song they would sing if they were auditioning for the Idol (they would choose David Bowie's "Let's Dance").

It was all inspired by a bit over at People where celebrities chose their Idol audition song.

Nelly Furtado would sing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow." Katie Couric would sing "Faithless Love." Neil Patrick Harris would sing "Rocket Man." And Deborah "I'm not Debbie anymore, I've been on Broadway" Gibson would sing "Right Here Waiting For You."

The whole EW/People thing got me thinking, what about me?

What would judge jru choose?

The answer is clear.


Of course.

What about you?

Monday, January 29, 2007

Got a Bad Case of the Mondays?

Well, you won't after watching these four stunning performances from a couple of my favorite Idol ladies (at UNICEF Aretha Franklin tribute)...

1. Jennifer Hudson sings "I Never Loved a Man."



2. Fantasia sings "Baby I Love You."



3. Jennifer Hudson sings "Think."



4. Fantasia sings "Rock Steady."




Now that is the way to start your day off right, eh?


(videos via ONTD)

Sunday, January 28, 2007

"One Night In Paris"

As previously announced, I went to "Popstarz" on Friday night to see Paris Bennett perform.

By the end of her time on the Idol 5, I wasn't the biggest fan of Paris. Everything after her "Midnight Train to Georgia" performance was just too cutesy. Every song she sang sounded the same. There was no happy. There was no sad. There was just cute.

So I entered "Popstarz" with low expectations.

I shouldn't have worried.

While she's definitely no Frenchie, Paris surprised me with a strong voice and remarkably confident stage presence (especially for one so young).

* * *

At approximately 1 am, this crazy person showed up on stage...







She made some joke about how tonight was "One Night in Paris," annoyed everyone, and then got off the stage to make way for the one and only Miss Paris Bennett.



Paris was lovely.



Even if she looked like the local hoochie school librarian.



Miss Bennett started off the night by singing "Chain of Fools."

She tried to get the crowd involved...



...but the homos couldn't really get it together.



Paris then announced that she would be singing her new single, "Ordinary Love."



And she did.



It wasn't nearly as awful as I remembered it being.



In fact, it was almost enjoyable.

But maybe I was just distracted by the dancer that joined her on-stage for two seconds.



He seemed veryNice.



After her dancer disappeared, Paris launched into the only song I really wanted to hear her sing.



It was about as good as I had dreamed it could be.



The night then made hard right into WeirdTown. Paris announced that she wanted to play the DJ something she could "walk to," so he did.

And then she...



..."walked."

I'm not sure what to make of that whole bit, bit it was...uh...interesting. I don't think anyone else in the crowd knew what the heck was going on up there either...but they cheered her on. The homos are very supportive.



Post-walk, Paris declared that she had one final surprise for us.



It involved confetti...



...and a semi-decent performance of the gay dance classic, "It's Raining Men."



Of course.

Friday, January 26, 2007

Hot and Smokin' Mess Alert!

I love that 'Tasia is passionate about her music and all...



...but this is a little much. Even for me.



She needs help.



I'm not quite sure what kind of "help" she needs...



...but she needs somethin'.


(Pics via ONTD)

Thursday, January 25, 2007

where judge jru will be tomorrow night

Is it wrong that I'm a little excited for this?



Is she old enough to perform at a place that serves booze to homos?

I guess she must be.

Right?

Look Who's Number One!



That's my boy!

Even if he sounds like Nickelback's bastard love child, I can still enjoy his hotness...right?

Wednesday, January 24, 2007

NYC still scares me

Tonight's excuse for the non-live "live" blog: I was on a blind date with someone who talked about how he was looking for someone who was on a "spiritual journey." Seriously.

Anyhow, let's get on with it...


judge jru's "live" blog of the fourth episode of the Idol

8:00 pm - When I was a young college graduate, I had to make a big choice. Should I move to New York City or Los Angeles? I had been to New York multiple times and it scared/overwhelmed me, so I moved to Los Angeles (a place I'd never been before) instead.

The thought of spending two hours in New York City now (even through the magic of the Idol) still scares me a bit...but not as much as people who enjoy "spiritual journeys."

8:02 pm - Carole Bayer Sager is the guest judge for this episode!

Wait...



...you mean this woman?

Really?

Uh...that's exciting for who exactly?

8:04 pm - Speaking of things that scare me...Ian Benardo is one of them.

He's gay and outrageous...



...and awful!

8:09 pm - Meet Sarah Burgess. She defied her father's wishes and showed up for an Idol audition.

She also likes to cry. A lot.

8:12 pm - And she's going to Hollywood.

8:13 pm - Why is Sarah going to Hollywood? Just so we can watch the Seacrest force Sarah to call her dad and tell him the news.

Sarah doesn't have the voice to make the the Top 32, so my guess is that this will be the last we hear of her.

It was nice knowing you Sarah! Maybe we'll see you on MySpace!

8:15 pm - "Stomp the Yard" trailer alert! HOT.

8:18 pm - I didn't order this Constantine Maroulis flashback. Can I send it back for a plate on spanakopita instead?

8:20 pm - Ashanti Johnson returns to the Idol.

For a third time.

She sings "Lovin' You."

But the feeling isn't mutual.

See ya Ashanti!

8:31 pm - I'm blaming Paris Hilton for the duo of New Jersey "hotness" known as Antonella Barba and Amanda Coluccio.

8:32 pm - Amanda (part one of the duo of "hotness") bores me.

8:33 pm - Antonella (part one of the duo of "hotness") doesn't.

8:42 pm - Dude plays a harmonica on a pier. I blame Taylor Hicks.

8:43 pm - Dude with the harmonica (Clifton Biddle) is from my home state of Delaware. Don't blame me.

8:44 pm - Oh Clifton. You have soiled the state of Delaware. May you be forced to work to work in the local Playtex factory for the rest of your natural born life.

8:46 pm - Cute Lil' Kia Thornton is adorable.

And soulful too!

I could do without her Freddy Krueger nails.

Who does she think she is? Flo Jo?

Girl...those talons need to go!

8:55 pm - And we're back for Day Two.

Including Carole.

Do we really need her again?

And no Simon?

8:56 pm - Oh wait.

Who needs Simon when you have Jenry Bejarano?



I just wish Jenry wasn't 16 years old.

Because that makes me feel more than a little uncomfortable.

Let's just say he's adorable.

I can say that? Right?

That's not a creepy thing to say? Right?

Seriously dude. Paula and I both need to be careful with this one.

8:58 pm - Nakia Claiborne is a superCrazy ball of megaCrazy.

9:01 pm - And unfortunately (or fortunately) for those of us that live in Hollywood, Nakia will not be sharing that MegaSuperCrazy with the West Coast.

9:03 pm - Oh look. More crazy.

Did we really need any more tonight?

9:07 pm - And Simon's back. Is it possible that I missed Simon for the whole 12 minutes he was?

9:13 pm - What's a Canadian (Jory Steinberg) doing on here? I don't care that she lives in Santa Monica now. I don't care that she sings Tina Arena well. She Canadian! She should be hanging out with Kalan Porter! Not Simon, Randy, and Paula!

9:17 pm - The Idol solidier known as Porcelana Patina is superCreepy.

9:18 pm - AH! She's coming to Hollywood! Look the windows, Sister Ru! Lock the doors, Cousin Jimmy! Go hide in the storm cellar, Dorothy Gale!

9:24 pm - The judges can't pronounce ethnic names montage would be funny...if I wasn't so distracted about Olivia Newton-John showing up for that Ping/Pong/Phong bit. Shouldn't she be on a different network?

9:26 pm - Where's Jenry?

9:27 pm - I miss Jenry!

9:29 pm - Opera singer Rachel Zevita is so funky that she's stuck a dreamcatcher in her hair! That's right. Rachel's got a dreamcatcher in her hair. What are you gonna do about it? You can't do anything about it, because Rachel Zevita is going to Hollywood!

9:32 pm - Why is that bitch from "Ugly Betty" in an Olive Garden commercial???

9:35 pm - FILLER ALERT! Yet another thing we don't need...an "All Night Long" montage featuring an Asian drag queen dressed up as Dorothy Gale.

9:38 pm - Chris Richardson is the NEW Elliott Yamin. Only cuter.



Much Cuter.

9:46 pm - Meet Nicholas Pedro. Or actually meet him again. He "bowed out" last year for not being able to remember the lyrics to "Build Me Up Buttercup" during the group round in Hollywood.

9:48 pm - And unlike Ashanti Johnson, Nicholas is getting the chance to go to Hollywood again. Nicholas seems like a fine, upstanding young gentleman...so let's hope he does better this time around, eh?

9:53 pm - And we're almost done!

9:54 pm - The Idol producers clearly want Julie "Call Me Isadora" Furman to be the new Mary Roche. But I'm not buying it.

9:58 pm - Oh look! There's Jenry again! Isn't that exciting for everyone?

9:59 pm - And we're done.

10:00 pm - See ya next week in Birmingham, Paula!

And as for Carole...enjoy spending your Idol guest judge money on even more plastic surgery a woman your age shouldn't be getting!

LamelyMcPhee15

Who thought this was a good idea?



Seriously dude?

Seriously?

Tuesday, January 23, 2007

One Hour Only!

My apologies for the lateness of my "live" blog yet again, I was verybusy eating.

Anyhow, let's get on with it...


judge jru's "live" blog of the third episode of the Idol

8:00 pm - It's only one hour tonight! This is the first and only time I'll ever be thankful for President Bush 2 - Electric Boogaloo.

8:01 pm - WoooooOo Memphis! How long before the show mentions Elvis?

8:01.1 pm - Oh look, there's an Elvis impersonator walking the streets! That qualifies as Elvis mention #1, right?

8:02 pm - We have a cheerleader in the form of Frank "Frank-N-Beans" Byers!

8:03 pm - Frank seems fine, but he's never going win.

8:04 pm - And since the judges don't put him through, he can't.

8:05 pm - Simon's got sand in his va-jay-jay! Again!

8:08 pm - And we're back...

8:09 pm - ...with 'Mika?

8:10 pm - Is it time for President Bush yet?

8:11 pm - Blondie Christopher Rivera sings like an O-Town reject. Maybe he should join LMNT...if they're still around.

8:13 pm - Meet Jason "Sundance" Head. He's the son of Roy Head. The man that brought us the classic "Treat Her Right."



That's one cool dad, eh?

8:14 pm - Ok.



Sundance is the NEW Taylor Hicks. Except better. Much better.

8:16 pm - And Simon agrees with me!

8:18 pm - Did we really need to know that there is only 115 days until "Shrek The Third"? Thanks TV for filling my mind with useless knowledge! You really are the best invention ever...

8:19 pm - ...unlike my Direst TV DVR. Did I mention how much I hate it? Seriously dude. It's the worst.

8:20 pm - Elvis mention #2.

8:22 pm - Emotional Travis McKinney is superCrazy.

8:24 pm - Danielle McCulloch is the NEW Kimberly Caldwell. Only better. Slightly better.

8:26 pm - Missi Pyle alert! Missi Pyle alert!

Missi is in some new "quirky" David E. Kelley show about wedding planners that happen to be sisters.

I enjoy her, but not enough to suffer through that mess.

8:32 pm - There was absolutely no way, Topher McCain (his wife wanted to "mess around"), was someone that needed to be featured on the Idol. Bad Idol Producers! Bad Boys!

8:37 pm - Faux homeless/Faux Jesus/Faux Osama bin Laden dude, Sean Michel, made it to Hollywood? Really?



I can't wait for his makeover. It'll be the only awesome thing about this dude. Swear.

8:44 pm - The scared little titmouse known as Melinda Doolittle (aka: the professional backup singer) is genius.



I love her story. I love her voice. I love her attitude. She is special. In a good way.

I watched her audition three times in a row.

She is seriously the cutest little titmouse. Ever.

8:46 pm - Elvis mention #3. Boring!

8:47 pm - Faux Elvis (Robert Lee Holmes) is hot and smokin'...but NOT in a good way.

8:54 pm - Whew. We're almost done.

8:56 pm - Bald New Dad Philip Stacy starts off a little shaky...

8:57 pm - ...and finishes a little less shaky. And then he starts his second song off shaky...

8:58 pm - ...and finishes with a golden ticket to Hollywood.

8:59 pm - And tonight's episode ends with the very bald Philip Stacy seeing his new not-so-bald baby girl for the first time (he was busy waiting in line for the Idol, when his wife delivered the surprisingly hairy baby...remember?).

Worst. Dad/Husband. Ever.

Seriously.

9:00 pm - The Idol's in New York tomorrow. How exciting for all of us!


UPDATE: More MySpace stalking is availible at the always reliable and resourceful DeathByCamera...including this slightly unsettling picture of boy band wannabe Christopher Rivera:

It's Time For Oscar!

If someone told me 12 months ago that an American Idol contestant was going to be nominated for an Academy Award, I would have rolled my eyes and said something bitchy like "Yeah? Really? I also heard that Paula Abdul is going to win a Pulitzer Prize for her searing indictment of the United States' involvement in the Middle East."



Well, I can roll my eyes no more.

Simon Outclasses the Donald

In an interview with TV Guide, Simon Cowell critiques Rosie O'Donnell for getting all mad at the judges for making fun of the less fortunate:


Cowell told TV Guide the remarks “smacked of ‘I’ll have a go at Donald Trump --good for ratings. That died down so now I’ll do ‘American Idol.’ Next week it will be ‘I don’t like the dresses on ‘Dancing with the Stars.’” Cowell has some advice for O’Donnell. “If you don’t like it, don’t watch,” he says. “End of story.”


I don't really like the dresses on "Dancing with the Stars" either, but Mister Cowell makes a good point about the whole "don't watch it if you don't like it" thing. And he didn't even have to call Rosie "a fat slob" to get there. Good for him.

Monday, January 22, 2007

the history of judge jru

Back in the summer of 2002, in the midst of the Idol 1 frenzy, I began writing joke-y little emails to friends and co-workers about the ridiculousness that was the Idol.

As the weeks passed, I continued to write them and so I decided that I needed to share my opinions with the rest of the world...hence the original judge jru Idol website was born.

At that time, I was working with a very well connected lesbian who was lucky enough to attend the season finale of the Idol.

I was wicked jealous of the lesbian and I think she knew it, so the next day...I arrived at work and discovered an autographed photo of Ryan Seacrest sitting atop my desk

The lesbian knew I hated the Seacrest with every bone in my body, but she also knew that nothing would make me happier than getting an autograph from the man I despised.

I briefly mentioned getting this autograph in my first post about season two of the Idol, but I never showed it off...because I was simply too lazy to find a scanner and scan it in.

Years passed and the Seacrest autograph remained proudly displayed in the Ru household, but not on the idol blog.

But then, on Friday night, Zak (of "The Daily Zak" fame) re-discovered the photo and wondered why he'd never seen it on the blog before.

I had no good answer.

And so...without further ado...I present to you...my favorite Idol-related possession...

seacrest_hearts_jru

Sunday, January 21, 2007

Carrie, The Rumor Mill has very good taste...

The Country Cyborg known as Carrie Underwood has put a kibosh on the rumor that she and Dallas Cowboy Hunk Tony Romo are dating.



In a recent interview, Miss Underwood explains all:

"He is a very nice guy and I've talked to him a
few times, but we are very much not together."


I'm sure he's VERYnice Carrie. I'm just sayin'...you could do a lot worse.

(Story via ONTD)