judge jru's review of the Coachella Music Festival 2006**
**And before you start bitching that I'm getting all hipster and shit, scroll down...there's an Idol-related bit hidden in here!
- Meh. It all sounds a little too White Stripes-lite for my taste.Animal Collective
- Very Godly.Kanye West
- Took his sweet ass time getting out onstage. I could smell his arrogance from where I sat.
Uh...No, thanks.Imogen Heap
- Daft. A total scatterbrain. Was racing around trying to get all of her computers and gadgets working right at the start of her set.
That said. She was magical.
I even forgave her for the garlands wound around her microphone stands...and the red feathers strewn about in her hair.
Also...in the middle of her set, the sister ru noticed a little somethin'-somethin' going on in the control booth area.
The Idol 4's Amanda Avila
looked lovely. And as much as I hate to admit it, Josh Groban
was totally dorky boy hot (Did I just say that? Really?).
The twosome did not appear to be on a date or together, but I could definitely sense a certain chemistry between them.
And Amanda, if you don't want him? I'll take him.
Wait...did I just say I'd take JOSH GROBAN? What's wrong with me?
I need to go on a date.
- Fine. I don't really remember them all that much. But then again, I only stayed for like two songs.Franz Ferdinand
- Awesome. Winner of judge jru's coveted "best band of the first day of the Coachella '06 extravaganza" Award.Cat Power
- Not as crazy as Paula Abdul, but then again...that's not saying much
- Fine. Serviceable. I'm just not into their new shit.
- Blandly Canadian.Mates of State
- Cutesy.James Blunt
- Way better than I expected.
One of my favorite moments of the entire festival was watching hipster boys sway their heads to the Blunt.
That sh*t was hilarious.Ted Leo and the Pharmacists
- Rockin'...but I was very disappointed (but not all that surprised) when Mister Leo didn't rock out a la Clarkson
- Surprisingly awesome. I enjoyed the Phoenix just a smidge in my pre-Coachella '06 days.
But now, post-Coachella '06...I freakin' LOVE them.
Even if the lead singer may or may not have impregnated
that chick who is responsible for "Lost in Translation."Matisyahu
- Many people told me that they enjoyed the Matisyahu.
I was not one of them.Gnarls Barkley
- When I was a child, I was a member of the International Wizard of Oz Club
. A fact that I'm still not proud of (even though the Idol has put me back in touch with my inner dork).
OK, remember that bit of info...it'll come in handy in about a sentence.
Anyhow...I was very excited to see Gnarls Barkley. In fact, they were the band that I was most excited to see during my time at Coachella '06.
Needless to say that my anticipation for greatness was HUGE.
Could the band with the number one single in the UK
live up to judge jru's very high standards?
Well...when the entire band came out dressed like characters from THE WIZARD OF OZ...um...I...uh...well, I nearly made a mess in my pants.
Seriously. Spectacular and Bizarre and wondrous. All at the same time.Paul Oakenfold
- Loud. Sweaty. Dance Dance. Goodness.Madonna
- I waited over an hour in the hot, sweaty, smelly, nasty Dance tent for six songs? Six Songs? And the only two non-'Confessions'
songs were "Ray of Light" and "Everybody"?
That was seriously lame.
But even with all that bitchin', the fake British chick known to some as Esther was still pretty frickin' awesome.The Go! Team
- F*cking rocked the sh*t out of me.
In the midst of their kick ass performance, I decided that I'm no longer a homo.
Instead, I have decide to elope with the band's leader/singer, Ninja.
That's right. You heard me. I'm marrying NINJA.Scissor Sisters
- Even though I only stayed through three songs (I was trying to be a responsible adult by leaving the festival a half-hour before closing), the Sisters were simply fantastic.
* * *
And now, it's time for judge jru's story hour!judge jru's story hour
Episode's Theme: Getting the f*ck out of Coachella before everyone else
It's post-Scissor Sisters. The sister ru and I are safely in my very dusty Toyota Camry. Trying to figure out how the f*ck to get out of the parking area at Coachella.
I try to drive over what looks like a small dip to the dirt road to drive out of the place. It's like a tiny dirt ledge.
Dirt ledge...more like a dirt shelf. My car got stuck on it. As in...the ground and the bottom of my car met. My wheels are spinning furiously every time I hit gas. I'm going nowhere.
Not only did my car got stuck, but another one did as well. Two cars down.
In between us and the other stuck car was a car that had totally stalled out.
At this point, I get out of my car and start asking anyone who looks official for help.
I go chat with the people guiding the cars out of the giant parking area. They tell me that cars get stuck every year in the same place.
In my head, I'm screaming THEN WHY DON'T YOU PUT UP CONES OR SOMETHING TO MARK IT OFF ASSFUCK????
In actuality, I don't say anything.
The sister ru calls AAA and they announce that tow truck is coming within 30 minutes. When I ask the parking guys how to get in...they say, YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE TO WAIT UNTIL ALL OF THE CARS LEAVE...IN AN HOUR AND A HALF.
It was 11:55 pm at this point. And we still had over a two hour ride home.
Also I had to be at work at 8:30 am.
I start losing it.
The sister ru tries to calm me down.
Meanwhile, the two girls that I am giving a ride home to (my coworker's friends who I'd never met before that night) are off, chattering away on their cell phones. I'm convinced they are telling everyone they know just how bad a driver I am and how they can't believe that they got stuck in a car with biggest dork on the face of the planet.
I feel like the kid in seventh grade with the acid-wash jeans...who used to eat his tater tots alone in the cafeteria all over again.
"Tamara" (one of the cell phone girls) comes over to say that her boyfriend is coming to help push us off.
He comes with a friend. And then proceeds to recruit about five other guys just walking back to their cars. We all push the car.
And magically it becomes unstuck.
We then push the other stuck car.
Magic happens again.
The girlfriend of one of the very helpful guys announces: THAT WAS THE HOTTEST THING I'VE SEEN ALL NIGHT!
After I thank everyone profusely (including a very awkward man-hug-handshake thing with Tamara's VERYCUTE, VERYHELPFUL boyfriend), we drive off.
I get home at 3 am.
I'm at work now. Eating a very late lunch.
And just a few hours ago, I found out that I have to work late.