Tuesday, February 14, 2006

American Idolz with a Z!

**My sincerest apologies for the late night entry. My only excuse is that it was Valentine's Day and I went out for drinks with friends.

Somehow we ended up at a "singles night" Valentine's Day event at Akbar. It was a giant mess with free booze, name tags, and a game called "Who Wants to Make Out with a Bartender?"

At some point in the night, I managed to convince one of my friends to play the gayest version of "The Dating Game" ever. He was the bachelor...choosing among three available homos...and well...let's just sat that he went home a happy boy (By himself, Father Ru! My friends are not whores! But I do have to admit, he did go home with a hot new number in his pocket).

Meanwhile, I am going to die alone.

Anyways, enough about me and my misery. On to the Idol festivities!

judge jru's late night live blogging of the second Hollywood episode of the Idol 5

8:00 pm - We get it Ryan...Hollywood is INTENSE!

8:00.5 pm - Thirty seconds in and we already have the line of the night. "If they are the coal to my diamond, bling bling and shine on!"

8:02 pm - The drama begins.

8:03 pm - Oh. No. They. Ain't. These bitches best not be trying to out perform my Frenchie with their rendition of "Band of Gold!"

Don't remember Frenchie's version? With the magic of YouTube, I am now able to refresh your memory...as if by magic!


All better.

8:04 pm - Remember how last week, I told you that I would no longer waste you time with the twins that we all know have already been kicked out of the Idol?

Despite the Idol producers' best efforts, I'm determined to stick to my guns.

8:05 pm - Gurrrl! That Brenna Gethers chick (forever known to me as the bling bling/diamond/coal metaphor chick) is just TOO much!

8:07 pm - Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz! Evil twin alert!

8:08 pm - Oh look what I found! The worst twins ever have signed a deal with Janet Jackson's boyfriend!

8:11 pm - And look there! It's Paris!

8:12 pm - And what a surprise...she makes it to the next round.

8:13 pm
- Sway should should ashamed of himself! He's already in a boy band! Shouldn't he know how to behave? It seems to me that Mr. Sway is SO over this whole Idol business and just can't wait to get the heck outta there...but then again...I could be wrong, because he could just be doing the whole I'm-a-straight-boy-you-won't-SEE-me-FEEL thing. And that's something I just don't care to get, understand, or interpret.

8:22 pm - The 21 and Under Club (aka: the Idol Rat Park) ain't impressing me all that much. It's like they took John Stevens and cloned him four times! Although, they left out the ginger gene...and since I'm a day-walker myself, that just makes me sad!

8:23 pm - Ok. OK! Fine! That 16 year old William Makar is a good singer!

Happy now Mandel?

**Here's the thing...I realize that I just made a personal "joke"/shout out here...and I KNOW that personal references are about as interesting as watching that Dr. Phil "love" special with Miss Paula, so I must apologize. I promise it will never happen again.

Pinkie swear!

And if anything like that still ends up happening again, well...I give you permission to "sick" Stripper McKibbin on me.

8:23 pm - The Idol editors fill more time with needless drama among the girl groups as that Cher wannabe flits between two groups, "Epiphany" and the "Try-Hards."

8:26 pm - Dude, Where's My Frenchie? I just discovered that my Mandisa is NO Frenchie! And that makes me one very sad judge jru.

My spirit has been broken.

Don't get me wrong...I still enjoy the Mandisa...but Frenchie, she ain't.

8:35 pm - That Tyra Juliette Schwartz gurl is a beotch for leaving one group...then going to another...and then going back again! Who does that?

I know a certain Idol contestant that is ugly on the inside AND the out!

8:36 pm - I'm still refusing to comment on the twin situation. I honestly can't believe how much screentime they are getting!

There really must have been nothing else interesting or exciting going on during this round to fill the time. Even if I didn't already know about their past and their future, I would still bored off my ass by these two hooligans. Yes, they are adding to the drama...but if backstage Idol drama REALLY made the Idol interesting than Julia DeMato would still be famous.

As you can tell, I'm still totally fulfilling my promise by not wasting my/your time on those two...


My bad!

8:38 pm - What is up with Brenna "Bling Bling" Gethers whole routine during her "Sugar Pie, Honey Bunch" group performance?

She is literally pantomiming the entire song for those of us that can't quite catch all the subtly of the lyric. Seriously!

Thanks Brenna! You are just so helpful in entertaining the masses tonight! You're parents must be SO proud!

8:39 pm - Awww shit! Brenna is going off about why she ain't so into the group thang. My commentary wouldn't do this bit justice, so instead...here is a word-for-word transcription of the brilliance that is Brenna "Bling Bling" Gethers.

"This is American Idol with an L. Not an S or a Z! It's not American Idols!"

8:40 pm - It is at this point in the program that a "thing" happened.

And by "thing," I'm talking about the Brokeback Mountain parody...featuring the twee little cryin' cowboy Garet Johnson and his two partners.

Coming up with hilarious parodies of " Brokeback" appear to be the latest BIG thing to hit the internet since that Peanut Butter Jelly Time disaster of 2003.

So since the Idol is so desperately hip, we were treated to even more hilarious man-on-man cowboy romance...Idol style!

And the results?

Surprisingly hilarious, eh?

They even got THE trailer guy to do THE trailer voice!

8:47 pm - After all that, the cowboys didn't make it to the next round.

At least Garet still has his singing turkey to keep him warm at night.

And at least the African-American cowboy has his crazy facial hair to keep him entertained.

As for the other guy, uh...yeah...I've forgotten him already.

8:59 pm - And here we are...the Idol 5's top 45. In three parts.


Blogger laura said...

hi jru -
i know you're a mandisa fan, and i couldn't wait to see what you had to say regarding mandisa vs. frenchie on band of gold. I totally agree and am equally as disappointed. sob. hopefully she'll step it up next week. If not, Rent is still running on Broadway.

6:32 AM  
Blogger Mandel said...

YAY for the shoutout...And poor cowboys...

8:40 AM  

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