Tuesday, February 28, 2006

"Honey" is the NEW "Baby"

THE TOP 10 "LADIES" OF THE IDOL 5


1) Katharine McPhee ("All is Fair in Love," by Stevie Wonder)
- On this blog, I've never really heeded the advice of Thumper's mom: "If you don't have anything nice to say, don't say anything at all." But here's my problem now, I don't have anything nice to say AND I don't have anything not nice to say. Katharine's performance was so bland that I simply don't have anything to say at all.


2) Kinnik Sky ("Here For the Party", by Gretchen Wilson) - I'm all for diversity in country music, but Kinnik's performance was about as enjoyable as the very best of Cowboy Troy's expansive oeuvre.

For those that have no clue what the heck I'm talking about, click here for a lesson on that hick hop disgrace to humankind.


3) Lisa Tucker ("Who's Lovin' You", by the Jackson 5)
- Creepiest Moment of the Night? The shot of Lisa's parents eagerly staring at their daughter and mouthing EVERY WORD of the song. That look in their eyes was ravenous! It was like they wanted to sit down with a fork & knife and EAT their daughter for dinner.


4) Melissa McGhee ("Why Haven't I Heard From You", by Reba McEntire) - I found Melissa's performance totally enjoyable. It was very Jessica Sierra-ish...only with more neck.


5) Heather Cox ("Hero", by Mariah Carey) - How did this girl end up in the top 24? Seriously! She can't sing, she isn't that hot, and her personality is about as lifeless as packet on unhydrated Sea Monkeys!


6) Brenna Gethers ("Last Dance," by Donna Summer) - The less said about this ho...the better.


7) Paris Bennett ("Wind Beneath My Wings," by Bette Midler) - Last week, Paris was cute. This week, she was just cutesy.


8) Ayla Brown ("I Want You to Need Me", by Celine Dion) - I want Ayla to stay around this competition simply because I enjoy just how tiny she makes Ryan look.

I'm convinced that you would be able to fold Ryan up and fit him in the overhead compartment on pretty much any commercial aircraft.


9) Kellie Pickler ("Something to Talk About," by Bonnie Raitt) - Kellie's whole country bumpkin schtick is getting a bit tired for me. Mispronouncing seafood doesn't get you very far in my book. Luckily, Kellie's vocal performance tonight wasn't half-bad.


10) Mandisa ("Cry," by Faith Hill) - In terms of actually hitting the proper notes, Mandisa didn't turn in the best performance of the night (I think that award goes to Ayla or Melissa). However, Mandisa made one little change to the song that might have gotten me more than a little excited. Instead of singing "Some kind of heartache...Darlin'...give it a try," Mandisa sang "Some kind of heartache...HONEY...give it a try."

OK...I know. It's one word, right? I shouldn't care, right?

Here's the thing...

As long as Jessica Alba isn't in the room, Mandisa can call me "Honey" anytime.


judge jru votes

I voted for my Mandisa a couple of times. And then I was done.

Overall, I'm very disappointed in the ladies tonight. They gotta do better next week or else...I'm gonna...uh...I was going to threaten my retirement again, but let's be honest...that's just not going to happen.


judge jru predicts

Brenna, Heather, Kinnik, and mystery person #4 are clearly the ones that are not making the overall Top 12...but as far as predicting who is actually going to go this week?

All I can say that it's going to be two of them.

Bo Bice Rocks Out! OK...Not Really.

Bo Bice has finally released a video for his "hit" song, "The Real Thing" (it recently dropped from #95 to #100 on Billboard's Pop 100 Chart).

Surprising no one, the video is just as bland and nondescript as the song (and the album).

The entire video
consists of Bo walking around the streets of an unnamed city, while cute pretty blonde girls get very excited to see the Idol runner-up. In the end, the cute blonde girls end up seeing Bo rock out...live in concert!


I was going to do a frame-by-frame analysis of the whole thing...

But then I got bored.


So instead...all you get is three shots of Bo...in various stages of "rocking out."


1) Bo rocks out softly.




2) Bo rocks out just like Jesus.




3) Bo rocks out like Kelly Clarkson.




It's official (or at least it's official to me). The words "rock" and "Bo Bice" can no longer be used in a sentence...unless someone is being "ironic."

Because on this day, Bo Bice has finally revealed himself to be as authentically "rock" as Lindsay Lohan.

Monday, February 27, 2006

Blog Crush

WARNING: IF YOU ARE A MEMBER OF TAYLOR HICKS' "SOUL PATROL," YOU MIGHT NOT WANT TO READ THIS POST!

I don't know if you've heard, but I've got a MAJOR blog crush on FourFour. That Rich (the writer of FourFour) is so F-ing smart and funny that I want to be the mother of his children...just so my babies can be half as witty as he is.

OK, that last bit might have pushed the edge of creepy...but a crush is a crush. I'm not so good with expressing myself around the dudes. For instance, there was this time in college when my crush at the time sat next to me in class and started talking to me.

Perfect opportunity to woo him with my sparkling personality, right?

Here's the thing...

In the midst of chatting with him, drool fell out of the corner of my mouth. Seriously.

Needless to say, I didn't date much in college.


OK...now that I've shared too much, let's get back to the reason I'm posting...FourFour's latest post is all about his burgeoning hatred for Idol 5's very own Taylor Hicks. He has said it all. Everything I've ever felt about Taylor and his weird Joe Cocker bullshit has been expressed by my never-in-a-million-years imaginary boyfriend Rich.

So CLICK HERE won't you?

And join me as I say thank you Rich. Thank you for being you and giving me faith that boys like you exist.

Sunday, February 26, 2006

Stripper McKibbin hearts Toni?

According to an incredibly unreliable source, Idol 1 contestant Nikki "I Ain't A Stripper No More" McKibbin was seen making out with Toni "Bug Eyed" Ferrari at Tiffany's latest performance at Popstarz.



I seriously doubt this was anything more than just two girls drunkenly trying to show off at a gay bar, but still...I might be kicking myself in the head for missing out on what sounds like a gloriously gay night.

Sigh.

Saturday, February 25, 2006

The Pickler is a liar!

Remember when Kellie Pickler was all cute and innocent in her very first audition?

Remember how she said that she never really performed for anyone before other than her grandfather?

Yeah...turns out...this girl is about as honest as Corey Clark.


CLICK HERE
to see video of Kellie performing in a local Charlotte singing competition.

Julie DeMato...

...only got probabtion!

Stevie Scott was...

...SICK!

That TOTALLY explains it!

Poor girl.

Friday, February 24, 2006

All I Ever Needed To Know About America I Learned On the Idol

This week's results are in!

Irina Slutskaya got Bronze. Sasha Cohen got Silver. And Some Japanese LADY won the Gold.


Oh wait...wrong results show.


Unlike the folks over at the Idol, I am not going to torture you with some long, dragged out post. Instead, I'm going to tell you the four things I learned about America from the Idol 5's very first results show.

FOUR THINGS THAT AMERICA HATES MORE THAN POISON

1) America hates pretty girls that pose in "Men's" magazines.



Bye Becky!


2) America hates humble fat boys that love their granny.



Bye Bobbie!


3) America hates opera singers.



Bye Stevie!


4) America hates mediocrity.



Bye Patrick!





We'll miss you four! At least for a couple minutes!

Thursday, February 23, 2006

Twin Factor

Look who was on one of the many twin episodes of "Fear Factor":



Can't quite tell?

Let's zoom in for a closer look!



Of course they were.

Kellie Pickler is turning into a bitch (and other "true" stories)

Hotel employees and guests cannot be trusted.

CLICK HERE to read the lowdown on how the Idol 5 contestants are spending their time cooped up in an unnamed "Beverly Hills Hotel."

Wednesday, February 22, 2006

Two Hours of Man-Idol

THE TOP 12 BOYS OF THE IDOL 5


1) Patrick "Not As Pretty As Ace" Hall ('Come to My Window,' by Melissa Etheridge) - I love that in his intro segment, Patrick talked a BIG game about how this song was going to show Simon that he ain't Clay.

Dude, if you wanted to do that...then DON'T SING EXACTLY LIKE HIM!!!


2) David "Not John Stevens" Radford ('Crazy Little Thing Called Love,' by Queen) - David Radford seems like a very nice young man. But ouch man. That hurt!

And David, you can thank your dimples now...becuase they are the only thing that is keeping yo' ass on this show.


3) Bucky "Bo Bice - Country Edition" Covington ('Simple Man,' by Lynrd Skynyrd) - Bucky is good I guess for that type of thing that he does, but I don't like that type of thing that he does.

And can we talk about how COUNTRY his ass is? He makes Kellie Pickler look like Anna Wintour!


4) William "He's TOO Young" Makar ('I Want You Back,' by Jackson 5) - Let me just say this about William Makar. He is the Johnny Weir of the Idol 5.

Yeah...

I'm just going to leave it at that.


5) Jose "Why won't you SWAY away?" Penala ('Reasons,' by Earth Wind & Fire) -
Still hating him like poison!


6) Chris "I have weird facial hair" Daughtry ('Wanted - Dead or Alice,' by Bon Jovi) - Other than the distracting facial fuzz, Chris is one attractive dude. And talented! And he's a good stepfather too!

Forget Chris Noth. This is the Perfect Man!


7) Kevin "A Human Chicken Little" Covais ('One Last Cry,' by Brian McKnight) - Kevin is the boy that every girl loves...but when push comes to shove, this dude is going to grow up to be the 40 Year-Old Virgin.


8) Gedeon "American Idol" McKinney ('Shout,' by Lloyd Williams)
- I sat here for a good five minutes trying to come up with something funny, interesting, and/or insightful about Mister McKinney. And...uh...I still got nothing.

We all know that Gedeon is never ever going to win this thing, so let's not waste any more time and just move on.


9) Elliott "Karaoke King" Yamin ('If You Really Love Me,' by Stevie Wonder) - I don't know what it is about the boys, but I just don't care right now. This dude has a strong voice, but he ain't coming close to winning the Idol 5. Closer than Gedeon for sure...but still...that's not nearly close enough.

NEXT!


10) Bobby "How Did He Get On This Show?" Bennett ('Copacabana,' by Barry Manilow) - I fear for the men of America. How can this dude be one of the top 12 male singers in the country?


Also...

I recently came to discover the wonder that is Dianne (the chick that smells from MTV's "Fat Camp").

Hey Dianne?

I got a new boyfriend for you. And his name is Bobby Bennett.


11) Ace "Oh So Pretty" Young ('Father Figure,' by George Michael) - To answer your question Ace, YES. You can be my Daddy.

Sorry Father Ru!


12) Taylor "That Grey Haired Dude" Hicks ('Levon,' by Elton John) - Sister Ru enjoys the Taylor. She worries for the Taylor's psychological well-being, but still still enjoys the Taylor.

As for me?

Not so much.


judge jru votes

Surprising no one, I voted for Ace a whole mess of times. Then I voted for Chris like twice. And then, I was done.


judge jru predicts


Dianne's new boyfriend, Bobby Bennett, is definitely gone. And then, we're gonna end up saying bub-bye to either Gedeon, Sway, or Patrick Hall.


Good night and sweet dreams y'all!

America's Next Top Maxim Model Idol?

Those O'Donohue girls are nothing but class!



CLICK HERE to read the full story on how Idol 5 contestant Becky O'Donohue ended up in the man mag.

It's really a very illuminating article.

And by illuminating, I mean boring as...Zzzzzzzzzzzzzz...


(Big thanks to Mandel for passing on the hot photo! You always know where to find all of the hottest chicks!)


UPDATE: More hot photos of Jesse and Becky! And by hot, I mean...not for me...



















The Dunk Returns!

I know I'm a little late on this train, but the Dunkleman has his own Idol blog now.

CLICK HERE to check it out in all it's "glory."


The Dunk's kinda funny (and has potty mouth)! Who knew?

Tuesday, February 21, 2006

Two Hours of Lady Idol

THE TOP 12 GIRLS OF THE IDOL 5

1) Mandisa "Just Like Jesus" Hundley ('Never,' by Heart) - Gurrrrl, you right! Sisters can rawk too! While Mandisa still is no Frenchie (this is the last time I'm going to beat that dead horse, swear), I found her surprisingly enjoyable.

Mandisa may not equal Frenchie, but me thinks that...




2) Kellie "She's No Carrie Underwood" Pickler ('How Far,' by Martina McBride)
- I want to like Kellie. Really. I do! She's got spunk! And not the bad "funky" kind!

Kellie is that girl that starred in your high school's production of "Oklahoma!" and even though she didn't turn in a pitch perfect performance, everyone still thought she was "the berries."

That's right! I said it! Kellie Pickler is the "berries!"

OK. Please excuse me. I think I may have just turned myself into a diabetic.


3) Becky "I've Got a Twin Sister" O'Donohue ('Because The Night,' by Patti Smith) - Even though she isn't dead yet, somewhere in America....Patti Smith is rolling over in her grave.


4) Ayla "I don't know if you know this about me, but I play basketball!" Brown ('Reflection,' by Christina Aguilera) - Least Favorite Moment of the Night? When Ayla Brown referenced the fact that 'Mulan' was one of her favorite movies "growing up." I was halfway to college graduation when that movie came out!

Hi...Ayla Brown makes me feel old. And she isn't even the youngest contestant in the Idol 5!

As for Ayla's performance, she was not nearly as big a disastrophe as I was expecting.


5) Paris "Lil' Lady" Bennett ('Midnight Train to Georgia,' by Gladys Knight & the Pips) - For the first time in my life, I'm at a loss for words. And it's a good thing! Paris is SO cute...it hurts!

And my lil' lady can SANG!


6) Stevie "I like to sing OPERA" Scott ('To Where You Are,' by Josh Groban)
- Now I know why Stevie looked like a lost little puppy on Saturday night! She done screwed up! And it's not like she can't sing either.

This whole incident only confirms my belief that listening to Josh Groban only leads you down a path of misery and pain.

Don't believe me?

Well, Josh Groban was on "Oprah."

And looked what happened to her with that whole James Frey bit!

Coincidence?

I think not!


7) Brenna "Bling Bling" Gethers ('You Are The Sunshine Of My Life,' by Stevie Wonder) - Hmmm...you think Brenna was begging for votes with that whole "I'm dedicating this song to my mom/I grew up poor" thing? Nobody's buying your budget-ass sob story!

Who do you think you are? Kellie Pickler?

Gurl, you done pulled some wack shit! And I hope your diamond ass is bling-bling-ed all the way home!


8) Heather "There is NO way I'm making it to the top 12" Cox ('When You Tell Me That You Love Me,' by Idol 4 Finalists) - Is it just me or does Miss Cox look like a prettier version of the infamous Scooter Girl, Nicole Tieri?



Separated at Birth much?


9) Melissa "Pageant Queen" McGhee ('When The Lights Go Down,' by Faith Hill) - Hi Melissa! It was nice meeting you! Your performance was totally acceptable, but I still think you're going to end up leaving us in a week or two. You seem like a very lovely girl, but also one that no one will ever really remember in the end. Does anyone honestly remember Lisa Leuschner from the Idol 3?

Bueller?

Yeah. Didn't think so.

10) Lisa "Irene Cara 2.0" Tucker ('I Am Changing,' by Jennifer Holiday) - If I'm being completely honest, Lisa made me a little uncomfortable with her song choice. I did not want or need a 16 year-old singing a song about how she is "changing."

It made me think of a story I read in my sister's "Seventeen" magazine once. One that featured a pair of white capri pants, a field trip to the Zoo, and one young girl's journey into "womanhood."


11) Kinnik "Totally That Annoying Girl in the Office that sings Happy Birthday the Loudest" Sky ('Get Here,' by Oleta Adams Justin Guarini) - You know that someone isn't all that memorable when the only thing you can really recall about them is their awesome Tina Turner/Angela Bassett arms.


12) Katharine "Who Me Frontrunner?" McPhee ('Since I Fell For You,' by Barbara Streisand) - The Bad News? Kat is no Kelly Clarkson. The Good News? She's quite a lovely performer in her own right, although...I could have done without the cutesy "performance"/emote the song bit. Please leave that cutesyness to the DeNoNo.



judge jru votes

I voted for Paris more times than I care to admit. And then I voted for Kat and Mandisa a few times each. I also voted for Stevie once (because I HAVE to believe she will do better next time).


judge jru predicts

I have this sneaking suspicion that we'll be saying bub-bye to Heather Cox and either Stevie Scott or Brenna Gethers on Thursday.

That Grey Haired Dude

It turns that the Idol 5 contestant that has gone prematurely grey (the one known to many as Taylor Hicks) self-released a CD back in his pre-Idol days.



Thanks to the good folks over at TV Squad, I was able to web-surf my way over to a local NPR station in Alabama...where three of Taylor's tracks are available to download for free.

People who like Taylor are bound to enjoy a listen at what Taylor is able to do when he isn't being forced to sing songs written by other people

Even people like me (who don't care for him that much) can also take a listen. I have to say that I may have been too quick to blow Taylor off as just a Joe Cocker lame-o. He's really much more of a Joss Stone with a penis (and by the way, that bit doesn't work for me either).

AND just in case that NPR station gets overwhelmed with traffic (hey, it's local public broadcasting), I've provided y'all with an alternative place to click to hear all that young man Hicks has to offer:

Shhhh...

Don't tell Simon that Ace and Katharine are the frontrunners of this year's Idol.

You might ruin it for him!

He still thinks the thing is wide open.



Actually, Simon probably would know better than I...so please feel free to ignore me.

I might have been wrong before.

Back in the day, I liked Jazmin!

Monday, February 20, 2006

The Orange Carpet Pics

Unlike my terrible photography inside the Idol 5 Top 24 party, there were professional photographers taking professional looking photos of the Top 24, outside on the red orange carpet.