Tuesday, January 31, 2006

This Ain't The State o' the Union!

judge jru's semi-live blog of episode 5 of the Idol 5

8:00 pm - Where in the World is Ryan Seacrest?

Rome?

New York?

Camelot?

REALLY?

Where is Rockapella when you need them to drown out the Seacrest?

8:02 pm - Can someone please deport the Fake Jamaican from Bakersfield???

8:05 pm - Don't you just love it when the Idol rejects return as a manager for their baby sister?

Yeah, me neither.

8:08 pm - Mecca Madison, the Belly Dancer, is very cute...very sweet...very nice. But I'm kind of over the crazy fake painted swirly sideburns. Those aren't so cute, sweet, or nice.

8:14 pm - Did a Velociraptor just audition for the Idol?

8:16 pm - Woo Hoo! The African-American Prison Worker/Aspiring Country Singer (Heather Ward) is from Salisbury, Maryland! I've been there!


judge jru has to take a break from live blogging to go pick up his big sister from the airport. He will return to finish this post as quickly as the traffic of Los Angeles allows.

* * *

An hour and five minutes later...

I'm back!

Thanks to the magic of TiVo, I can still pretend to "live blog" as if I never left.


8:22 pm - Even without the whole gondola schtick, Jason "Pepe" Andino bugs.

8:26 pm - Um...Anthony Andolino (the zaftig untalented high pitched guy that sang Jodeci) has a live-in girlfriend, while I'm dying a slow death...alone?

How is that fair G-d?

HOW IS THAT FAIR???

8:32 pm - Ugh. More Twins.

Have I mentioned how much really good-looking twins totally creep me out?

Because they do.

Like a lot.

8:42 pm - Funny foreigner Haggai Yedidya needs to be deported too! The Sister Ru said she'd get right on it.

(I've realized something...foreigners with funny accents don't give me retarded tingles like the strange "special" Americans do, so I guess that means that if you ain't from America and you speak crazy broken english, then you funny! So thank you for the laughter Yakov Smirnoff. Thank you.)

8:45 pm - Paula Abdul on the headache inducing Princess Brewer: "There were some sweet moments in there."

Look Ma!

Paula's funny!

8:55 pm - It's not Steve Martin...it's Taylor Hicks!



And he also thinks he was born a poor black child!

8:59 pm - Tomorrow night, we're in Austin, Texas!

Um, when do we go to Hollywood again?

Are we there yet Ryan?



um...




What about now?

Monday, January 30, 2006

Paula + Dr. Phil = A Match Made in Television Hell

Is Paula still with her man Dante or not?

Will you watch the primetime Dr. Phil special as he counsels the "Rush Rush" songstress on the ways of love?

I'm all set.

But y'all are more than welcome to watch that bit...I won't judge you.

Swear.

Saturday, January 28, 2006

Corey's "Street Team"

B-Side over at TVgasm had a classic LA run-in with the Idol 2's Corey Clark.



CLICK HERE to read all about it.

Friday, January 27, 2006

Idol Droppings

There are a few Idol related news bits to report on today...


  • The troubled Brittenum twins have been dropped from the Idol.

  • And Ryan Seacrest is still a douche.

Thursday, January 26, 2006

Is Clay into Hot Military Daddies?

Wednesday, January 25, 2006

Rice-A-Roni, the San Francisco Treat!

judge jru's live blog of episode 4 of the Idol 5

8:00pm - American Idol's Travel Stop Tonight? San Francisco, California!

8:02pm - Blonde Opera singer Happy Heidi...really?

8:03pm - Did Paula just call "Angels," a Jessica Simpson song???

IT'S A ROBBIE WILLIAMS SONG YOU DUMB BITCH!

Sorry about that little rant. I just don't like it when people don't give props to my boy, Robbie. Yes, Jessica sang the song at one moment in time...but it ain't her song.

8:12pm - Jose "Sway" Penala is one suave character...although the personalized belt buckle might be a little much.



8:24pm - In the intro package, Katherine McPhee refers to the fact that she was once in her mom's tummy. Really? At 21, this girl is still referring to her mom's womb as her TUMMY? I know someone who needs a copy of "Our Bodies, Ourselves."

8:25pm - I am enjoying the whole Katherine McPhee/Stage Mother thing. It feels very "Center Stage." I can't wait for the episode where Katherine announces to her mother that she is quitting the Idol. I can hear Miss McPhee declaring her independence now. "Mom, you didn't have the look. I don't have the heart."

8:32pm - Oh Shalicia!

8:33pm - Slam Poetry on the Idol!

8:35pm - What is up with Simon helping Shalicia get her job back? Is he actually human? Did his heart grow three sizes bigger?

8:38pm - Baby...Baby...Baby! My baby, Reese Witherspoon, is on the the TeeVee!

8:48pm - Who cares about the judges' little tiff? I'm wicked excited that someone was singing Robyn on the TeeVee!

8:52pm- How old is Deborah Dawn Tilley? Twenty-seven? More like thirty-seven!

8:55pm - Woo! Simon walks out! Shocking!



And by shocking...I mean not at all...because they have been teasing this bit all night.

8:56pm - Manuel Viramontes' voice is spicy! Not good...Not hot...SPICY! Why? Because he does shots of Tapatio before he performs.

8:59pm - Next week...we're off to Las Vegas! Woo frickin' hoo!

9:00pm - OK...I'm off to watch the wicked awesome one/two shot of Veronica Mars AND Lost!

Oh Rhonetta!

It turns out that the disastrophe from last night, Rhonetta Johnson, has a bit of a criminal history.





Damn yo...this is one HOT beotch!

It really is a shame that the judges didn't send Rhonetta to Hollywood. She coulda tore thangs up!

(Links and Pictures via D-Listed)

Tuesday, January 24, 2006

Carolina on My Mind

judge jru's live blog of episode 3 of the Idol 5

8:00pm
- Tonight on American Idol : Travel Edition...We're going to Greensboro, North Carolina!

8:02pm - I think we've seen Sabrina the Teenage Witch before...on episode 1. I don't care for the recycling of the bad audition footage! I know this show has been stretched to two hours again tonight, but still! Dudes...don't waste my time!

8:05pm - Cachet Robinson. Cool Name. Bad Voice.

8:07pm - Here we go...Kellie Pickler. The Pretty North Carolina Blonde with the tragic backstory. She lives with her elderly grandfather. Her mother left her when she was 3 years old. Her druggie father is in and out of prison. And...



8:09pm - ...she has the voice of Carrie Underwood! But now with added personality!

8:11pm - Seriously, this girl (Kellie) is so lovable...I just don't know what to do with myself.


Pardon the delay in blogging, I was just watching Mark Feurstein/Adam Stein's HI-LARIOUS West Coast Response to Andy Samberg/Chris Parnell's Chronic-les of Narnia rap.


8:16pm - Shawn's Idol diorama is much more impressive than his singing. And what is up with his precocious little brother? He's got a little bit of the verbal diarrhea.

8:19pm - Richard Garland's Scottie the Dolly creeps me out.

8:25pm - The bald-headed, mustached married military boy (Steven David) also makes me very uneasy.

8:32pm - Is HOUSE back on yet?

8:33pm - Is Halicia Thompson singing the "A Different World" theme song?

8:38pm - Kendra Winston is unbelievable perky for having such a tough life (she grew up in 42 different foster/group homes, single mother of 3, etc). I'm not sure that I love the voice, but I love the personality! Perhaps, Kendra should become the new Dunkleman?

8:48pm - Simon does another boy-in-the-dress joke. Did you hear that one GLAAD?

8:57pm - Really? We are less than halfway through??? I've got to sit through another hour of this?

9:01pm - Jeffrey "Ryan" Baysden is CUNT-TRY! And there is no way that beotch is 27 year old!

9:04pm - Anne Nesby's Granddaughter, Paris Bennett, is so cute! How can you NOT love a 17 year old African-American girl named Paris who sings the Dixie Chicks???



9:13pm - WoooOOoo! It's Simon Cowell's birthday! And he is stuck in Greensboro, North Carolina. For the first time ever, I feel for the British beotch.

9:15pm - Bad singer blames Paula/Randy's DVDs for his bad performance.



That's a shame.

9:26pm - Sammy Neighbors has the craziest, overcropped eyebrows I have ever seen on a homo before! I don't even think drag queens make them that thin!

Oh...there's another Simon compares a homo to a girl joke!

Hi...I'm hating him again.

9:33pm - Did I mention just how much I love the John Zimmerman (from "Skating with Celebrities" fame)? He's even dreamier than the Idol 5's very own Ace Young.

9:34pm - Tyra Juliette Schwartz seems very nice.

9:43pm - With that cheesy firefighter get-up, I was all prepared for Jordan Southerland to suck balls. BUT he didn't!

9:46pm - Oh Rhonetta.



9:59pm - We're going to San Fran tomorrow night! Woo Hoo!!!

10:00pm - And now, it's time for my Love Monkey.

SuperTan Girl SPEAKS!

Crystal Parizanski (aka: SuperTan Girl) was interviewed by THE MIX 96 in Montreal, Canada.



IdolSpot.com has got the audio!

In the "very revealing" interview, Crystal dishes about her apperance on the Idol. It turns out that she sang "Lady Marmalade" for Idol producer, Nigel...NOT the judges!

The Idol isn't 100 percent real???

GET OUT!

Monday, January 23, 2006

Ryan Seacrest is...

There's always "Prison Idol"

Everyone can sleep easier tonight, knowing that the Brittenum twins are both behind bars.



Although the good people at the Idol refuse to say whether Derrell and Terrell will appear in future episodes, I somehow can't imagine the boys making the top 24.

Beyond one or two accidental cameos in the early Hollywood rounds, I would bet good money that these dudes ' Idol days are done.

Sunday, January 22, 2006

Ace in the Hole



So...it turns out that the very cute boy from the Denver auditions, Ace Young, is not quite the undiscovered talent I thought he was.

Thanks to the already established online fansite AceYoung.Net, I discovered that Ace has opened up for Brian McKnight and New Edition, guest starred on the UPN sitcom "Half & Half," and co-written Mario's Grammy-nominated hit song, "Let Me Love You."

Oh...and to top it all off, Ace has a song that was featured on the soundtrack to the Jonathan Lipnicki feature, "The Little Vampire."


And for some extra Ace-related enjoyment, here are some old pictures of Ace in various stages of undress...







Seriously though, the real reason I'm really excited about Ace is that he clearly has a "sparkling" personality. It doesn't have anything to do with the fact that he is probably the cutest Idol contestant ever...that doesn't matter to me...at all.

Once Upon a Time...there was the Verraros...

So when Jim Verraros was on the Idol 1, he looked like this...



Then he released an album last year and unveiled a totally new look...





And now, Jim has released a new set of photos on his official website...in which he returns to the spiky haired days of yore...but only longer, darker, and now with more eyeliner!




And for reasons that don't seem especially clear to me...the news section of Jim's site reports that the Verraros is also the official spokesperson for Chicago's biggest bridal market, Bridal Expo...



I seriously don't know what to do or how to process all of this information, but I always feel obligated to share new Verraros news with y'all...so...there it is.

She Ain't No Jasmine

Remember this ho?



Camile Velasco?

The OTHER chick from Hawaii on the Idol 3?


Well, it turns out that she was briefly signed to Motown/Universal...AND she released a single "Hangin' On," before being dropped by the major label for "unknown" reasons.


My best guess as to why Camile was dropped?

Because the good people over at Motown/Universal finally got around to LISTENING to this crap single, which is just a strange hip-hop/dancehall version of the Supremes classic, "You Keep Me Hanging On."


CLICK HERE
to go to iTunes to download the latest Idol-related musical disastrophe...if you dare.

Saturday, January 21, 2006

GLAAD ain't so happy...

...with Simon and Randy.

Click here to read the full story on why The Gay And Lesbian Alliance Against Defamation ain't so happy with the Idol judges.


I was also very uneasy with comments both Simon and Randy made to some of the clearly confused and troubled boys that appeared in the first two episodes of the new season.

I'm all for free speech and funny critiques, but teasing the homos about being homos should be left to the homos...even the New York Times agrees with me!

Friday, January 20, 2006

Rediscovering Kelly Clarkson again...

The first season of the Idol (aka: the year that judge jru fell in love with Kelly Clarkson) is going to be re-airing in syndication starting in the fall of 2006 until the title, "American Idol Rewind." The episodes will be a combination of the live performance shows, results show, and "never-before-seen" audition footage.

I'm not sure what "never-before-seen" audition footage the folks over at Idol are referring to, especially since the "Best" and "Worst" of American Idol DVDs supposedly featured "never-before-seen" footage.

They have to run out of that stuff at some point, right?


Click here to read the full story.

And click here to read my take on the first season of the Idol.

Thursday, January 19, 2006

16 year blonde Paris Hilton wannabes are HILARIOUS!

My dawg just jared has posted the video of that blonde super tanned young "lady" named Crystal Parizanski doing her thang on the Idol.



CLICK HERE to check out the hilarity.

Fear 2 : The Jessica Sierra Story



Poor Jessica Sierra has got a bit of a stalker problem!

I have to say...that out of all of the contestants, Jessica definitely wouldn't have been the person that I would have stalked from season 4...if I was forced to stalk someone...and I wasn't so scared of girl-bits.

But then again, this is coming from the guy who once had an inexplicable Verraros obsession...so please, feel free to ignore my crazy-candy-ass.


(Thanks to Kristen P. for story!)

Jennifer's Dream

The first publicity still has been released for the upcoming Jennifer Hudson feature, "Dreamgirls."



Dreamworks has also posted a short "Behind the Scenes" featurette...featuring the Idol 3's Miss Hudson working it for the cameras in a variety of lovely wigs, like this one...



...this one...



and this one.



OK, maybe this last one isn't a wig.


Wig or no wig...our gal still looks pretty hot, eh?



"Dreamgirls" is scheduled to be unleashed in theaters in December 2006.

Wednesday, January 18, 2006

Altitude Sickness

First off, I apologize for the slight delay in posting my live blog of night #2 of the Idol 5, but it was a very busy TV night for me...with the figure skating edition of "Project Runway," the big world premiere of "Skating with Celebrities," and the non-figure skating episode of "Lost."

I was also very distressed and distracted by the breaking news that the Brittenum twins from yesterday's edition of the Idol are allegedly thieves.


judge jru's live blog of the 2nd episode of the Idol 5

8:00 pm - Woo...the Idol goes to Denver tonight! My Aunt and Uncle live there. Hi...Uncle Larry! Hi...Aunt Susan!

8:02 pm - Marlows Davis Junior performs for the first and last time on the Idol. Don't fret Marlows! You can still dream big! If RuPaul and Willa Ford can be "best-selling" recording artists, so can you!

8:05 pm - Tiffany Christensen. Exhibit #2,978,432 in the case against Daisy Dukes.

8:06 pm - Enter talented Irene Cara look-a-like, Lisa Tucker.

Uninteresting bit of useless trivia, there is an actress named Lisa Tucker listed on IMDb who only has one credit to her name...the 1978 short film called "Junior High School," also featuring the one and only Miss Paula Abdul. Somehow...I doubt that this 16 year old is the same actress.

However, I am pretty sure that THIS is the right Lisa Tucker:



The girl's been on CBS's "Star Search!"

As a JUNIOR singer!

AND she almost won her season of the Search!

Just like the Idol 4's very own Jessica Sierra AND Nadia Turner AND Amanda Avila AND Joseph Murena!

Watch out America...here comes Lisa Tucker!

Again!

8:11 pm - I seriously couldn't be more excited for "Skating with Celebrities" if I tried. John Zimmerman is another one of my once and future boyfriends...please don't tell his wife.



8:15 pm - Brett "Ace" Young is going to Hollywood...hopefully straight to my house. No...I don't want him to come visit because he's hot...it's because I love his "personality" just as much as the judges did.

8:17 pm - The almost homeless Rochelle Elaine Dye out Fantasia-s Fantasia with her performance of "Chain of Fools."

8:25 pm - Ryan Seacrest definitely has never...and will never rock...in any way, shape, or form.

8:26 pm - Bald-headed Chris Daughtry is the NEW cuter, sexier, more responsible, slightly less confident Bo Bice.

8:32 pm - Riddle me this...how is "That 70s Show" still on?

8:35 pm - AH! Turkeys on TV! And it's not "The Help!"

8:37 pm - Awwwww! Cute little cowboy Garet Johnson is SO nervous. He clearly needs a couple of years practice, but the judges are sending him to Hollywood just because he's ever so nice.

8:42 pm - WARNING: I'm going to turn into a giant homo here.

WOoOoOoOooOOOoOoOOooo Wentworth Miller!

WooOOOoOoooooooOOOoOOo Prison Break!

HOT!

OK...I'm done now.

8:43 pm - I seriously hate the way Idol makes fun of the crazies...like these guys...



8:44 pm - However, I would like to order a couple of COSMIC COASTERS for the living room.

8:54 pm- April Walsh is a little too cutesy...a little too crazy...a little too Amy Adams for my taste.

8:57 pm - No making fun of 18 year old Trannies named Zachary! Playing "The Crying Game" in the background is such a cheap shot! Shame on you Idol! Shame!

You best be careful FOX...or else I'll sick Jaye Davidson on yo ass!

Now if only someone knew what the heck happened to him...

9:00 pm - Seriously? There are going to be two whole hours of auditions to watch on Tuesday? Again? Well, I guess I should just come to terms with the fact that the good people over at Idol have hijacked my life...and aren't letting me have it back until the end of May.

Sigh.

Kelly still hearts the Idol...for a fair market value.

Apparently, I was not on top of things today and missed a story about how Simon was bloody angry at Kelly for not letting the Idol use her songs...

BUT according to this article, Kelly is like totally fine with it.

Tuesday, January 17, 2006

it begins...again!

judge jru's live blog of the Idol 5 Premiere

8:00 pm
- Contrary to my t-shirt, I do not heart Ryan Seacrest. Not even a little bit.

8:01 pm - Carrie Underwood isn't in the opening credit sequence with the other Idol winners. What gives? Is Fox too cheap to splurge on a new opening bit? Apparently, I'm not as observant as I thought. It turns out that Carrie has been inserted into the tail end of the credit sequence. Thanks for the heads up, Lil' G!

8:03 pm - I don't want anyone to touch me with their voice...except maybe Hugh Jackman.

8:04 pm - Hating the recap...and the stock footage bit. It's a bit too cheesy...even for the Idol!

8:05 pm - Who is the girl whose grandmother is Ann Nesby? I heart her already!

8:06 pm - No crooners please!

8:06 pm - No torch singers either!

8:07 pm - Who's the 16 year old Irene Cara-alike? Me likey!

8:11 pm - Is it wrong that I'm SO excited for Kurt Browning's grand return to television?

8:12 pm - WooOOOoo Chicago!

8:14 pm - Derek Dupree, the first contestant...and the first crazy person of the new Idol!

8:17 pm - Now's your chance to do the hump...do the Humpty Dance, yo!

8:19 pm - WooOOOoo twins wearing white ascots!



8:26 pm - Brittnem Twins perform. Their names...Terrell and Derrell! Really? Their mom should be ashamed of herself! That's worse than naming your kid Anfernee!

8:30 pm - All Girl Band named "Catfight?" Sure, why not?

8:31 pm - Gina Glocksen from "Catfight?" Sure, why not?

8:34 pm - Is Mandisa (Hundley) the NEW Frenchie?

8:4o pm - Is that a Hobbit?

8:43 pm - Simon is hateful!

8:44 pm - Did Paula just have a seizure?

8:46 pm - Randy advises a contestant to get a cow and name it Simon. Paula declares that the contestant should name it "Mad Cowell!" Um...did anyone else just hear that? Did Paula just make a decent off-the-cuff joke? What gives? Is she finally off the drugs?

9:06 pm - I'm kind over the whole Barrettsmith sister act already...and they haven't even performed yet.

9:07 pm - Brooke and Leah Barrettsmith can sing...a little bit. But I think they're both hyping themselves up for a world of heartbreak, if either one of them thinks they are anything more than the newer, prettier version of the Scooter Girl.

9:12 pm - Zachary Smits will make a very handsome gentleman someday.

9:13 pm - Paula thinks Zachary is quietly confident. Ofcourseshedoes.

9:23 pm - David Radford is John Stevens 2.0?

9:25 pm - Blonde whores on television! Oh...Paris Hilton, what have you wrought?

9:32 pm - Seriously? I have to wait until MARCH to see my once and future boyfriend Wentworth Miller again?

9:36 pm - The sister ru desperately wants to deport Yulya, the Ukranian Mary Roche. But maybe...she already has...

9:43 pm - More twins. Josh and Jarrett Simmons. At least these two aren't wearing white ascots, but then again...cute African-American 16 year old boys shouldn't really rock the Avril Lavigne look.

9:47 pm - Barefoot Crazy Dave Hoover talks to animals...like Ryan Seacrest!



9:50 pm - Seriously? Crazy Dave is going to Hollywood??? OK, maybe Paula isn't totally off the prescription drugs.

9:55 pm - How is Blond Whore (see 9:25 pm) in a different outfit in the same city? Did she come back? The magic of television editing isn't working for me here.



10:00 pm - Jeez...I forgot how boring these initial audition episodes are. Ugh. How many more weeks until semi-finals?

Sharing Television with judge jru

I don't know if you've heard, but I made a guest appearance on cable television tonight.


"The great thing about watching television is that it is a shared experience...and you can share it with other people." -- judge jru


Seriously? Did I REALLY say that? I might as well have said, "Don't you think people are people?" or something.


More on my Reality Remix appearance and the premiere of Idol later tonight...when I'm not feeling quite so nauseous.

DeNoNo is coming to Broadway!



OK...maybe not in the show I predicted...but still, you gotta admit I was pretty darn close!

Kelly is the NEW Annie Lennox?

So I was geeking out on the internet tonight...and I came across this clip of Kelly singing Annie Lennox's "Why."


(Click on the picture above to see the video)

The video quality is not the best and you can hear people singing along with Kelly at certain points, but damn...you can still tell that Kelly sings the pants off this song!


Remember the days when Kelly would sing the pants (and the skirts) off of every song she performed on the Idol 1?

Those were the days...

Sigh.

As Randy, Simon, and Paula embark on yet another season of the Idol tonight, one can only hope and dream that this is the season that finds a NEW Kelly Clarkson...

Monday, January 16, 2006

OH NO Kimberley!

So way back in the day (aka: about a year ago), the Idol 2's very own Kimberley Locke released a third single from her debut album, "One Love."

The single was entitled "Coulda Been" and was actually a totally enjoyable little R & B pop number. I put the song on my iPod's workout mix for a couple of weeks...but eventually it got lost in the shuffle and I'd forgotten all about it...until tonight.


Tonight, I happened upon the video for "Coulda Been."

AND it's an awesome disastrophe of wondrously epic proportions!


So, it is with great pleasure that I present to you...



The video starts off relatively normal with Kimberley singing her song in front of backup dancers and a nicely colored backdrop.



And Kimberley clearly knows how to "act" a song...



And her outfits are very well coordinated with the lovely backgrounds...



But wait a minute...isn't "high school" a line in the song?



Come to think of it...so is "Three's a Crowd!"

No...No...NO! Rule #1 of modern music video-making is no giant words taken from the lyrics of your song in the background...unless you are Diddy!

And Kimberley, you...you are NO Diddy.



So now, Kimberley is attempting to get her grove on.



Oh well, now she's gone...



...because she had to get on her motorcycle?

SERIOUSLY?

We're expected to believe that Clay Aiken's former roommate knows how to ride a motorcycle???



Kimberly Dawn Locke!

Get off of that motorcycle!

RIGHT NOW!


I could go on and on about the many other gloriously misguided bits in this song...but instead I'm just going to point you in the direction of the video link and let you partake in the pleasure (and the pain) as you find out what "coulda been."